Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
