Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
