Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Can you bring me the toilet please
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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