apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
sarcasm needs its own font
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
