her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
