I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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