I got chris browned last night
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
