it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
