You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
