It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Everclear isn't food dammit
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
