you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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