just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
