Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
