90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
