Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
