I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
