you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
