masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
