Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
