why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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