i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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