She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
if only i could text you this smell
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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