I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
