he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
