I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
