the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
