Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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