did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Randomize
