How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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