Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
