guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
