you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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