you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize