After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
