You were right. It hurts to walk today.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
