dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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