Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
