I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
