I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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