dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
