Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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