You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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