Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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