you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
