i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
