According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
