theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
