i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
