Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
