I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
