you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
