maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
