Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
