I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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