He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
