All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
