I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
