she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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