So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
