Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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