I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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