just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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