Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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