I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
