I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
NoShamevember. You game?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
