i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
