HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i just made my gag reflex go away.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I could fuck to npr.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
